For the first time in my life, I am feeling like I have cultivated a deep well of compassion and love for myself. In yoga yesterday, I got into a really good groove, moving all kinds of energy around, breaking up the "fascia fuzz," as my teacher put it, and at the end of class, I was at the point of meditating on this feeling of deep gratitude that I was having. During meditation, I had this event, where my heart just opened up, like maybe there was a wall around it, and then there was a small crack and then the energy just got too big to stay contained in that little walled-in box anymore and it forced its way out, and I was consumed by the most intense feeling of being in love with myself. There is no other way to describe it. It was blissful and I felt more at peace than I have in a very long time.
And I realized in that moment that I was feeling a well of deep love for myself that I had been locked out of for a very long time. It felt exactly like falling in love feels, except that I had never experienced such a profound and intense sensation of love like that for MYSELF. I have felt it for other people many times throughout my life. It feels like the purest acceptance, unconditional love, no matter what that person may be presenting to me in that moment. I have felt it for my children. I have felt it for lovers, partners, spouses, friends. But never once have I felt that pureness of love directed only at my very being.
Our teacher had asked us to feel deeply into our hearts and choose something to be grateful for in this moment. I started by intentionally feeling grateful for a certain person who is in my life, who I recently started a new kind of relationship with. And from there, I realized that the reason I feel so good with this person is that I am able to express a certain part of my being that has lain dormant for a long time, maybe my whole life, in some capacity. There is a piece of me that gets to shine with this person, that hasn't been allowed to shine (that I have not been able to allow to shine, for various reasons-- the same ones, I am sure that we all have-- that baggage that gets packed around our hearts over a lifetime of hurts and small heartbreaks, violations, upsets, trials) that hasn't been able to shine for a long time, maybe since I was a little girl, when something awful happened to me. I think it's quite possible that a part of me has been quietly hating myself, eating me up inside, since that terrible thing happened, surely I blamed myself for it in some way. What I do know is that I have a new kind of feeling in my heart, and it's not about being in love with this other person. I was trying allow space to see why I felt so incredibly grateful for my time with this person, and I realized that it was because with them, I felt completely able to let a part of me be free, a part of me that has been dormant for a long time. In the safety that this person created around our interactions, I was able to access a part of my soul that had been locked away from me a long time ago, when the badness happened.
I wonder now if this is why I have struggled with depression for so long. I wonder too, if that hypnotherapy session that I had a few weeks ago allowed me to more easily access that part of me that is still innocent, still happy, still joyful and free. I am sure that it did, there is no need to wonder, it must be so. In the session, I went back to a place in time when I felt truly happy. I was able to sit with that version of me, and talk to her, cradle her in my arms, to enjoy the feeling of profound peace that she felt in that time, before the Bad Thing happened. My therapist told me at the end of our session that I'd be able to call upon this version of myself whenever I needed her, to be with me, to help me feel joyful and alive and free, whenever I was starting to feel down.
I remember that session vividly, and yet, when I had this new, sudden feeling of profound love come up for myself, I was not thinking of the hypnotherapy session. I was thinking of the gift of being given a space to express one of the truest parts of me, by the person I mentioned above. It was such a surprise to then have that feeling of gratitude transfer to myself, and become a feeling of gratitude to me, for allowing myself to be seen, to be vulnerable in this way that ultimately ended up being so confirming for me.
I'd like to express to this person, right now, just what all of this feels like, and to give them my deepest thanks, but I am choosing to let the words typed here suffuse into the ether, because I believe that it will be heard in due time.
Most of all I am grateful to myself for doing the intense work that I have been doing for so long to get me to this point of being able to feel this amazing love well up within me. I'm reminded of a clip from the comedian Louis CK, where he says that when we can feel the deepest sadness, the deepest darkness within ourselves, really feel it, only then can we in turn feel true happiness and joy. I am reminded of the genius of this man who presents himself as this sort of sad clown to the world, making us laugh at him, or ourselves, who is truly a genius of the human condition. And I am reminded that to be vulnerable in a public way like he does has a value that cannot be underestimated. We need the artists like him, like me (yes, I just compared myself to the world-renowned genius Louis CK) to help us see that we are never alone in our darkest moments. And, that our happiest moments come from within us. We are the purveyors of our own happiness.
In the words of my spiritual teacher, Robin Hallett, which she posted to Facebook this morning,
"We have to decide, choose. Decide that inner happiness is your one true goal. We must choose that this above all else is what will help us in every circumstance."
**The title given to this post is also the title to a campaign that was started by Vivienne McMaster, a wonderful teacher who can be found on Instagram @viviennemcm and on the web @ viviennemcmasterphotography.com.
My beautiful yoga teacher who always inspires such great things in me, is Kim Bulloch. She is fun and funny and deep and inspirational and she gives great hugs!
“There are moments, when you’re getting to know someone, when you realize something deep and buried in you is deep and buried in them, too. It feels like meeting a stranger you’ve known your whole life.” -Leah Raeder
And I realized in that moment that I was feeling a well of deep love for myself that I had been locked out of for a very long time. It felt exactly like falling in love feels, except that I had never experienced such a profound and intense sensation of love like that for MYSELF. I have felt it for other people many times throughout my life. It feels like the purest acceptance, unconditional love, no matter what that person may be presenting to me in that moment. I have felt it for my children. I have felt it for lovers, partners, spouses, friends. But never once have I felt that pureness of love directed only at my very being.
Our teacher had asked us to feel deeply into our hearts and choose something to be grateful for in this moment. I started by intentionally feeling grateful for a certain person who is in my life, who I recently started a new kind of relationship with. And from there, I realized that the reason I feel so good with this person is that I am able to express a certain part of my being that has lain dormant for a long time, maybe my whole life, in some capacity. There is a piece of me that gets to shine with this person, that hasn't been allowed to shine (that I have not been able to allow to shine, for various reasons-- the same ones, I am sure that we all have-- that baggage that gets packed around our hearts over a lifetime of hurts and small heartbreaks, violations, upsets, trials) that hasn't been able to shine for a long time, maybe since I was a little girl, when something awful happened to me. I think it's quite possible that a part of me has been quietly hating myself, eating me up inside, since that terrible thing happened, surely I blamed myself for it in some way. What I do know is that I have a new kind of feeling in my heart, and it's not about being in love with this other person. I was trying allow space to see why I felt so incredibly grateful for my time with this person, and I realized that it was because with them, I felt completely able to let a part of me be free, a part of me that has been dormant for a long time. In the safety that this person created around our interactions, I was able to access a part of my soul that had been locked away from me a long time ago, when the badness happened.
I wonder now if this is why I have struggled with depression for so long. I wonder too, if that hypnotherapy session that I had a few weeks ago allowed me to more easily access that part of me that is still innocent, still happy, still joyful and free. I am sure that it did, there is no need to wonder, it must be so. In the session, I went back to a place in time when I felt truly happy. I was able to sit with that version of me, and talk to her, cradle her in my arms, to enjoy the feeling of profound peace that she felt in that time, before the Bad Thing happened. My therapist told me at the end of our session that I'd be able to call upon this version of myself whenever I needed her, to be with me, to help me feel joyful and alive and free, whenever I was starting to feel down.
I remember that session vividly, and yet, when I had this new, sudden feeling of profound love come up for myself, I was not thinking of the hypnotherapy session. I was thinking of the gift of being given a space to express one of the truest parts of me, by the person I mentioned above. It was such a surprise to then have that feeling of gratitude transfer to myself, and become a feeling of gratitude to me, for allowing myself to be seen, to be vulnerable in this way that ultimately ended up being so confirming for me.
I'd like to express to this person, right now, just what all of this feels like, and to give them my deepest thanks, but I am choosing to let the words typed here suffuse into the ether, because I believe that it will be heard in due time.
Most of all I am grateful to myself for doing the intense work that I have been doing for so long to get me to this point of being able to feel this amazing love well up within me. I'm reminded of a clip from the comedian Louis CK, where he says that when we can feel the deepest sadness, the deepest darkness within ourselves, really feel it, only then can we in turn feel true happiness and joy. I am reminded of the genius of this man who presents himself as this sort of sad clown to the world, making us laugh at him, or ourselves, who is truly a genius of the human condition. And I am reminded that to be vulnerable in a public way like he does has a value that cannot be underestimated. We need the artists like him, like me (yes, I just compared myself to the world-renowned genius Louis CK) to help us see that we are never alone in our darkest moments. And, that our happiest moments come from within us. We are the purveyors of our own happiness.
In the words of my spiritual teacher, Robin Hallett, which she posted to Facebook this morning,
"We have to decide, choose. Decide that inner happiness is your one true goal. We must choose that this above all else is what will help us in every circumstance."
**The title given to this post is also the title to a campaign that was started by Vivienne McMaster, a wonderful teacher who can be found on Instagram @viviennemcm and on the web @ viviennemcmasterphotography.com.
My beautiful yoga teacher who always inspires such great things in me, is Kim Bulloch. She is fun and funny and deep and inspirational and she gives great hugs!
“There are moments, when you’re getting to know someone, when you realize something deep and buried in you is deep and buried in them, too. It feels like meeting a stranger you’ve known your whole life.” -Leah Raeder
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